Finding Your Soulmate Yourself on Valentine's Day

It is true that in order to be loved and to emanate energy that commands self-worth to others, you must believe yourself to be worthy. Unfortunately, this process is often portrayed as a vehicle for finding a partner: "Love yourself first ---> Then you will find love."

What about just, "Love yourself?" 

Whether you cherish Valentine's Day as a day to celebrate your significant other, a lighthearted day to reconnect with a group of girlfriends, or a time to totally burrow your head under the covers and ruminate on your loathing of the commercialized gift card industry, remember this:

"You are your own soulmate."

"Soulmate sellers" tell us that we're supposed to find our soulmates somewhere out there in the universe - one chance to connect with that one person who might be able to show us a life of love and satisfaction. Thoughts of fear might occasionally creep in, sounding like, "Ummm...what if my soulmate was that Greek guy I met in Southeast Asia for 12 hours and can't find on social media?" or, "I met my soulmate, and it was beautiful...and then she divorced me." Or how about, "I work 80 hours a week...I don't have time to find my soulmate right now." The 1:1 soulmate concept sure can amount to a lot of pressure, both for the slim chance of finding that "perfect" person and in that mountain of expectations for your "soulmate" to bring you all of that joy that's been missing in your life.  

You may have read that last paragraph thinking, "Ha! But I did it, though! I found the Greek guy and he's fabulous and he works a lot too and we settled down in New York and we are nowhere near divorce because we love taking wild vacations together."

Well that's great!

But I have to break it to you...You are still your own soulmate. 

In working with couples in therapy, I always encourage both partners to remember that before they chose to join as a team, they were both individuals with their own interests, needs, wacky habits, and past baggage. Finding a partner cannot and should not erase all of your beautiful, complex and messy history. Being in a relationship should not absolve your need to work through some of that baggage...Nor should it absolve your need to revel in the magic of your past history. Even if you are in a committed relationship, maintain an awareness and appreciation of yourself as your know, the other 5 weeks of the Southeast Asia trip before you met the Greek guy. When you were wildly happy exploring the world on your own. When you were enough for you.

Take a time to reflect on the things that used to give you passion as an individual, because you still are an individual. You still need those passions. 

So regardless of your relationship status, I encourage you to utilize this holiday to reflect inward and reconnect with one person first: Yourself. Anyone who may come along after that is lucky to have your love, as well, but when the dust settles, we are the only ones capable of creating what we really need in life. Another person will never be able to grant you happiness if you do not know how to cultivate it on your own. And if you are not enough for yourself right now, what are you doing to work on it? How are you choosing to challenge your negative self-concept, to express gratitude for the efforts that you are putting forth, and most importantly, to grow? 

No one else can do this work for you, and if you haven't started yet, today might be a good place to begin a journey alongside yourself. So buy yourself a flower, throw some encouraging words in your own direction, and get ready for a long and beautiful ride, because you know what they say...

Soulmates are for life.